I’ve had a week.

Even though I have had one of the hardest winters of my life, and even though I am “in recovery” from recent nervous breakdowns, [someone] recently told me that he doesn’t know if he’s in love with me anymore.

I don’t blame him. I have been nothing but a big pile of random poop for the past few months, but it really hurt nonetheless.

I have been struggling with feelings of worthlessness for the past while. And here we go, I am feeling it really hard now.

I know that I am not worthless. I know that I will get through this.

But break-ups, even though [someone] and I have had our fair share of breakups over the ups and downs of our relationship, are still really hard. Especially when you weren’t the one who didn’t really want it. Especially when you are still very much in love with the person who isn’t sure if he loves you anymore. And now, here I am, about in tears again, at the Georgetown University library. Classy, Kaitlin. Classy.

I laid in bed most of the day yesterday, crying. That doesn’t make me any less worthless, but some times you just have to say SCREW THE DAY and deal with your emotions. I feel a little better today. I woke up at 7, and was at the library by 9. I am finally going to try to kick this semester in the tail.

I love him. I am completely enraptured with his slightly crooked big nose, his really loud laugh. The way that he can make me laugh even when I’m really sad. I love his giant bubble butt, his giant arm muscles, and how he makes me feel so freaking safe when he hugs me. I love his family–all of them, his parents, his aunts and uncles, his brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, and his grandmother. I love Gustin Überstud, even though wrestling and I have been horrible enemies from the start. I love how it takes him forever to do anything, even though I do get a little impatient with it sometimes. I love that weird little dirt stain that won’t go away from his neck. I love the songs he has written on the piano. I love his voice.

I know that I won’t have to lose any of that, and I know that we will continue to be best friends. Our paths never really were ever running parallel, and I don’t know if our lives will ever work together.

Sigh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for this blog entry to be a rant into the love I have for Dustin James. I just am sad. And I wanted to articulate some thoughts.